"Still Learning How to Be"

I am what we call a cradle Catholic. That means I was born into the Catholic faith, not ‘born again’ as is popular in many Christian denominations. This could also mean I took my faith for granted. We went to Mass everyday with our school class and on Sundays with our family. It is just what we did. I attended Catholic grade school and high school, again no discussion, this is what we did.

After my husband and I moved to Colorado and started a family, my mother came to help and stayed for 11 years. I got to witness how she lived out her faith and it was an eye-opening experience for me. My children did not go to Catholic schools; they are not very prevalent in Colorado compared to where I grew up in St. Louis. We did not go to Mass daily and thought Sundays was enough to suffice ‘being a Catholic.’ What I seemed to be lacking, and therefore was unable to share with my children, was the language of faith. The plethora of teachings, readings, and lessons about our heritage, being born to be consecrated to Jesus at our baptism. After all, when Jesus said the wheat and the chaff will be separated, “ Gather the wheat into the barn and burn the chaff with unquenchable fire” Matthew 3:12, I want to be in the good pile. 

Every year that passes and I am closer to my own mortality; I search more for the teachings and meanings of what it means to be a disciple. I feel I am running out of time. I am good about checking all the boxes at work and home and being organized, but being in the presence of Jesus Christ is something that takes a conscious effort: To be prayerful, self-less and willingly accept challenges. It doesn’t happen (at least for me) automatically, like attending church in grade school did. Like any good relationship, you need to work at it.

When I delved through all my mother’s journals to begin writing her biography More Martha Than Mary, I realized I couldn’t hold a candle to my mother’s undying faith. She didn’t just start and end her day in prayer, or pray at meals, she lived her prayers. She was in God’s grace most of her waking moments (and therefore likely when she was asleep too). I am beginning to follow her example. To wake up each day giving glory to God. To offer each task, meeting, project, or event to the Holy Trinity. To ask for the Holy Spirit to guide my every thought, word, and deed. I also ask Mother Mary to allow me to bring God’s grace to everyone I meet that day, just as Mom did her whole life.

Sometimes I find myself in a meeting saying things that I never thought I would say. Usually, it is some brilliant solution that just came to me like a lightbulb turning on. I know now that my talent is not of my own doing, but of my creator’s. It is so unfortunate I can’t just belt out a loud PRAISE GOD in the middle of my financial planning meetings. Sometimes I do, but most of the time I tend to take credit for these ideas which of course are not mine, but His.

Mom was not terribly vocal about her spiritual life. She never tried to coerce someone into believing what she did. But I do believe she expected us to follow her example and she was sad we would be missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime, the eternal lifetime. The one that really counts and lasts longer than a blink of an eye.

I am still a work in progress but I know how it feels to see others missing out and not knowing what to do about it. We are called to be disciples. I have to stop being afraid of what others think of me and only worry about my own salvation, which can only be through bringing others to Jesus Christ. But that is very difficult as a mother. Mothers always want what is best for their children and grandchildren and I don’t want them to turn away from me. I hope God’s grace provides me and them the opportunity to truly know, love and serve Him.